Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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