i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
