I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
