do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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