Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
