I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
