She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
