I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
