I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
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They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
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Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
God, I missed his penis.
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