i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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