Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
