I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
