The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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