I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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