I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she smelled like a LAN party
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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