Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
