eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
