you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
