dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
