Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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