"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
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LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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