don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
