the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?