I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
