remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.