I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
