Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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