Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
