I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i drank out of a bidet.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
