You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
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I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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