I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
