he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
