Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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