pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
