call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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