Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.