Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
