She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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