he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
