I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
