I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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