My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
