Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
