Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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