I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
