My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
