So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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