you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
