I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
