the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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