he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
