my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
