Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
