Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i think i have two assholes
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
