worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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