I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
