i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
