had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
