I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
