I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
