mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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