Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i drank out of a bidet.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
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I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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