Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
3 2 1 whiskey
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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