my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
