i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
