I cannot find my penis.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
false alarm, still single
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
