we're chasing vodka with high fives
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day