I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday