Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.