her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits