I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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